OfVeg – “We Will Stamp Out These Rogue Trade Practices”


The UK Office For The Regulation of Vegetable Markets (OfVeg) is teaming up with consumer groups to enforce price standardization to the vegetable market in the wake of growing consumer concerns about the bewildering choices on offer to consumers.

Shockingly, the retail vegetable market remains mostly unregulated leading to a huge array of prices and choices which experts say is leading to worrying amounts of consumer confusion and increasing time off work through stress. It is reported to cost the British Taxpayer upwards of £458,844,938,839.29 every hour.

Bewildered consumers reported:
“Tesco finest organic sprouts cost far more than sprouts on a local market”
“I shop at at farm shops, why should I pay more than someone who shops at Aldi?”

Head of OfVeg, Norman Blithering-Eedyot, explained the problem:

“The vegetable market seems designed to bamboozle customers with choice. Vegetables can be purchased by weight, in packets of different sizes, frozen and even in tins. The variety of outlets is too broad, farmers markets, convenience stores, supermarkets and even direct delivery vegetable boxes are causing major confusion. The same product is priced differently at different times of the year, can be sourced from different countries and grown using different farming techniques. This is compounded by the huge variety of different vegetables available, from Artichokes to Yams. These differences are being exploited by the re-sellers to make profits.”

The government has outlined new plans to simplify the market by regulation, under the supervision of OfVeg. This will ensure that each shop is only allowed to offer a small number of different prices (Or tariffs as the regulator has termed them).

There will be one price for Organic Vegetables, a different one for local vegetables and a final tariff for imported vegetables.
These prices will be the same regardless of pack size, storage method or transport distance.

In addition OfVeg have demanded that each vegetable’s price ticket will show if the vegetable could be purchased for a lower tariff in the store.
There are even plans to show other retailers prices to ensure that everyone is aware of the lowest price (tariff), but the small size of some vegetables and the large number of retailers is making labelling difficult.

The Prime Minister had previously promised that everyone would pay the same single lowest price for vegetables, but that promise has been delayed for the time being while OfVeg regulation is implemented.

Mr Blithering-Eedyot said:

“Of course these proposals are only a first step. There is still far too much variation in pricing between shops and frankly too many vegetable types. We will be lobbying the government to ban most vegetables, bringing the choice down to a more manageable three or four different types, which according to our research is more than most people require to maintain health.

In addition we will seek  voluntary adoption of single pricing across all retailers. If this is not taken up we will have to licence vegetable retail or, in the extreme, push for the abolition of independent retail altogether and set up a system of state run green grocers.

We are sure that this reduction in confusing choice and price differentials will be in the best interests of the consumer”

Sources close to the Prime Minister confirmed that he is watching the situation closely and should regulation not result in a single low price for all vegetables for everyone he is prepared to legislate in the future.

Several free market think tanks have spoken out against the plans, but since they are just mouth pieces for the fat cats in the grocery trade, their comments have not been reported. The leaders of these regressive groups have since been arrested, child pornography has mysteriously appeared on their computers and blurred photographs probably show them  talking to people with beards who are almost certainly connected to Al Qaida.

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  • d_whpl

    Please, please, Murray, don’t leave it as long as you last have until your next essay. We love them!